150 Funny Jokes

Ultimate List of Funny Jokes to Laugh at

What does the English owl call his favorite TV show?
Dr. Whoot.

A man told his wife from Brighton, "You really Brighton up my life".

If they were going to make a British food version of 'Game Of Thrones', they'd name it 'Game Of Scones.'

How does every English joke start?
By looking over your shoulder.

What do you call a restaurant that only serves pancakes?
All Day Brexit.

Do you know what the difference is between Shakespeare and Eminem?
Eminem had no ghostwriter.

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
Same middle name.

And God said to John, "Come forth and you shall be granted eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.

What do you call a bear without any teeth?
A gummy bear!

Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil?
Because it’s pointless!

Don’t worry if you miss a gym session.
Everything will work out.

What do you call a person in a tree with a briefcase?
A branch manager!

What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
Nothing, it just waved.

How does NASA organize a party?
They planet.

How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his pizza before it was cool.

Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay?
Because then they’d be bagels.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
A waist of time.

Why did the cookie go to the nurse?
Because he felt crummy!

What is a bird’s favorite type of math?
OWL-gebra!

Why was the calendar afraid?
Its days were numbered!

What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
Time to get a new fence!

What had the English telecom representative said to the man who wanted to describe a nuisance caller?
Oh, you again.

Two friends decided to ride around a park for 10 hours straight. After the crazy experience, one of them mentioned "That was a wild Hyde."

Why did the evil man try to poison the baker and his assistant?
He wanted to try killing two Brits with a scone.

What do you call London without electricity?
Londoff.

How will Christmas dinner be different after Brexit?
No Brussels!

What did Ringo say before the Beatles broke up?
“Hey, guys! Can we try some of my songs?”

I finally decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust!

What do you call it when Batman skips church?
Christian Bale.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!

Why did the scarecrow win an award?
He was outstanding in his field.

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eyed deer!

Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
In case he gets a hole in one!

Local man killed by falling piano. It will be a low key funeral.

Do you want to hear a construction joke?
Sorry, I’m still working on it.

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?
“Make me one with everything.”

A sandwich walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”

Why won’t skeletons fight each other?
They just don’t have the guts.

What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta!

Why did the pony get sent to his room?
He wouldn’t stop horsing around!

What fish only swims at night?
Starfish!

Why did the man go to the yogurt museum?
To get a little culture!

Why did the student eat his homework?
Because his teacher told him it would be a piece of cake!

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick!

How can you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it!

What's black and white and red all over?
A sunburned zebra!

What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie talkie!

What was the man feeling after he got swindled right under Big Ben?
He was ticked off.

English warlords didn't have a lot of choices when it came to their enemies. They could only play the hand that they were celt.

English jokes

What does the Lochness monster call his favorite dish?
Fish & Ships.

Why was the pet owner having such a hard time with the puppy he'd just adopted in England?
The puppy couldn't be thamed.

A group of friends was going around England trying to look for greater theatres in order to recreate their amazing London experience. They were globe-trotting.

Many British people tend to make pour decisions after going to the pub.

My friend, an ice-cream seller, is obsessed with British rock bands. He even went as far as naming his ice cream shop 'The Rolling Cones'.

British ghosts really like drinking tea. Their favorite kind is immortali-tea.

What do you give a British person who made a grave error during a match?
A penal-tea.

Did you know that Shakespeare once made a performance about puns?
It was a play on words.

What do you call someone who is only kind of from Britain?
Brit-ish.

What do you call a Dollar Store in England?
Pound Town.

What would Sir Paul McCartney sing to an octopus?
I wanna hold your hand hand hand hand hand hand hand hand.

Did you know you can actually listen to the blood in your veins? You just have to listen varicosely.

Two men meet on opposite sides of a river. One shouts to the other, "I need you to help me get to the other side!" The other guy replies, "You're on the other side!"

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now! Wait…

Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know, and I don't really care.

What does a baby computer call his father?
Data!

What’s at the bottom of the ocean and shivers?
A nervous wreck!

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve food here.”

Why don’t crabs donate?
Because they’re shellfish.

I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday.
Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.

How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie in it.

What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
He let out a little wine.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.
It was sole destroying.

What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard?
“Supplies!”

Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
It was in tents!

Why did the bullet end up losing his job?
He got fired.

You heard the rumor going around about butter?
Never mind, I shouldn’t spread it.

Why were they called the “dark ages?”
Because there were a lot of knights.

Where should you go in the room if you’re feeling cold?
The corner—they’re usually 90 degrees.

I stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was.
Then it dawned on me.

I googled “Rorshach test.”
But for some reason, all that came up were pictures of my parents fighting.

How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it.

And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life.”
But John came fifth and won a toaster.

What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn’t matter, it’s not going to come anyway.

What washes up on very small beaches?
Micro-waves

Why did an old man fall in a well?
Because he couldn’t see that well!

What happened when the world's tongue-twister champion got arrested?
They gave him a tough sentence!

What do you get when you cross a rabbit with shellfish?
An oyster bunny!

What's a cat's favorite dessert?
Chocolate mouse!

What did the pizza say to the topping?
I never sau-sage a pretty face!

What do you get when you divide a Jack o' lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin pi!

What does a rain cloud wear under its clothes?
Thunderwear!

Why is grass so dangerous?
Because it’s full of blades!

If a seagull flies over the sea, what flies over the bay?
A bagel!

What did the paper say to the pencil?
Write on!

Why is it hard to understand volunteers?
Because they make no cents!

What's a witch's favorite school subject?
Spelling!

What did the traffic light say to the car?
Look away, I’m about to change!

Which dinosaur has the best vocabulary?
The thesaurus!

Why did the woman have a horrible time in London?
She had a horrible heir day.

Funny jokes

What do you do after reaching Greenwich?
Find something to occupy you in the mean time.

Why is everybody in London always nearly late?
They're always nearly on the Thames.

The English dessert was really grateful that her friend, the Haggis, was by her side all the time. "Thank you so much for pudding up with my mess!" said the dessert.

Why do Brits end up losing weight easily?
Every time they make a purchase, they lose a couple of pounds.

What do you call a London train that is full of lecturers?
A tube filled with smarties.

My child is wants to give up drinking milk with a dash of tea.
I won't let him become a tea-toddler.

The biggest concern of the British people during the Boston Tea Party was related to the safe-tea of their cargo.

What do you call an Englishman in the knockout stages of the World Cup?
A referee.

What’s the largest export of Great Britain?
Independence days.

Brits prefer brooms over vacuum cleaners when it comes to cleaning their floors.
But that might be a sweeping generalization.

What do people like to wear in England?
Tea-shirts

How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.

I have a joke about time travel, but I'm not gonna share it. You guys didn't like it.

Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back? He was dead-lifting.

What did the mayonnaise say when the refrigerator door was opened? Close the door, I'm dressing.

Two cows are grazing in a field. One cow says to the other, "You ever worry about that mad cow disease?" The other cow says, "Why would I care? I'm a helicopter!"

Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, "What's your favorite kind of music?" The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
He felt his presents!

How does Moses make his tea?
Hebrews it!

Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.

Did you hear about the circus fire?
It was in tents!

How many bugs do you need to rent out an apartment?
Tenants.

What’s the difference between a tennis ball and the prince of Wales?
One is heir to the throne and the other is thrown into the air.

Why is 6 scared of 7?
Because 7 ate 9 and 10!

Why did the coffee file a police report?
It got mugged.

When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent!

Why do ducks have feathers?
To cover their butt quacks!

Why should you never trust stairs?
They’re always up to something.

What does a house wear?
Address!

Why doesn’t Dracula have any friends?
Well, honestly, he’s a real pain in the neck.

How much teddy bears never want to eat anything?
Because they’re always stuffed.

What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste, mostly.

I tried to win a suntanning competition.
But all I got was bronze.

Why are crabs so bad at sharing?
Because they’re all shellfish.

Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?
Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.

Why did the giraffe get such bad grades?
He always had his head stuck in the clouds.

Where do snowmen keep their savings?
In the snowbank.

What happened when a faucet, a tomato, and some lettuce ran a race together?
The lettuce was ahead, the faucet was running, and the tomato was trying to ketchup.

What’s red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint!

Why do hummingbirds hum?
Because they don’t know the words!

Where do cows go on Friday nights?
They go to the moo-vies!

Why is a snake difficult to fool?
You can’t pull its leg!

Why did the tomato blush?
Because it saw the salad dressing!

Where does fruit go on vacation?
Pear-is!

Why was the math book sad?
It had too many problems!

What tool do mathematicians use most?
Multi-pliers!

Why are mountains so funny?
They're just hill areas!

Why did the picture go to prison?
Because it was framed!

Where do sailboats go when they're sick?
To the dock!

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